How to Set Holiday Boundaries with Your Religious Family

The holiday season can be difficult for anyone, but it can feel especially challenging if you’ve left a high demand religion while your family remains deeply involved in their faith. The pressure to conform to religious traditions, participate in church services, or even face judgment for your beliefs can make visiting family feel overwhelming and exhausting. If you're dreading the holidays because of these dynamics, you're not alone.

You don’t have to endure the stress of religious obligations or judgments. You can enjoy the holiday season with your family while also protecting your emotional well-being. Setting boundaries is key to ensuring that you take care of yourself without cutting ties or ruining the holiday experience. Below are some steps to help you approach Christmas in a way that respects both your needs and your family's:

1. Clarify How You Want to Feel This Christmas

Before you even step into a holiday gathering, take a moment to think about how you want to feel. This might sound simple, but for many who have left Christianity, it can be tough to identify what you need because you've been conditioned to focus on others' expectations. Take some time to reflect and ask yourself:

Do you want to feel peaceful and calm?
Would you like to experience joy, connection, or even just some solitude?
Are you hoping to feel free from judgment or pressure?

Write down a few words that describe how you want to feel. These feelings will be your guide throughout the season and will help you make decisions about how you engage with your family.

2. Anticipate What Might Trigger You

The reality is that certain people or activities might trigger strong emotions or anxiety for you, especially in a religious context. Christmas services, prayers at the dinner table, or even religious discussions can feel like triggers. So, take a moment to anticipate what might drain your energy or stir up uncomfortable emotions. Consider:

Which activities or rituals feel like too much for you to handle?
Are there particular family members whose behavior or comments might make you feel judged?
What are the things that make you feel the most disconnected or stressed?

By identifying these triggers ahead of time, you can mentally prepare yourself for what might happen, which helps you stay grounded and focused on your own well-being.

3. Create Boundaries Around Participation

Setting boundaries is not about being harsh or cutting people off—it’s about deciding how much you’re willing to engage in specific activities without compromising your emotional health. Boundaries are necessary for you to be able to attend family gatherings without feeling drained or pressured.

Here are some ways to set boundaries around participation:

Set a time limit: If you're attending a family gathering, you don’t have to stay for the entire event. Consider arriving later or leaving earlier. A time limit allows you to show up, participate, and then give yourself the space to recharge.
Drive yourself: This gives you the freedom to leave whenever you need to. It also provides a sense of control over the situation.
Choose which activities to participate in: You are allowed to opt out of religious activities. For instance, if your family is planning to go to a Christmas Eve service, it's okay to politely decline. You don’t have to pray at dinner or sing carols if it feels too activating.
Avoid religious discussions: If religious topics come up, you don’t have to engage. A simple "I’d rather not talk about that right now" or a change of subject can create a respectful space.
Take breaks: If things get too overwhelming, take a bathroom break, step outside, or find a quiet space for a few minutes to breathe. These brief breaks can be incredibly refreshing.

Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others—they are about protecting your own energy and emotional health.

4. Be Gentle With Yourself

You’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to please others, especially in the context of religious expectations. Leaving high demand religion can make you feel guilty or like you’re disappointing your family, but it’s important to remind yourself that you are not responsible for their beliefs or reactions. If you feel like that, remind yourself that this is how you were conditioned to be: to take care of everyone else around you while neglecting your own needs. This is simply your religious programming doing what it does best.

After setting boundaries, allow yourself the grace to stick to them. It’s okay to take up space, prioritize your mental health, and do what feels right for you. If there’s a moment when you feel uncomfortable or pressured, pause, take a breath, and reassert your boundaries.

5. Have a Plan for Self-Care

Finally, make sure to plan for self-care after the holiday events. Socializing with family can be emotionally taxing, and it’s important to replenish your energy. Here are some self-care ideas:

Plan quiet time: Whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or simply sitting in silence, make sure you have time to relax and recharge.
Connect with someone who understands: Talking to a friend or someone who has gone through similar experiences can help you process the emotions that arise during family gatherings.
Do something that makes you feel good: This might be watching a favorite movie, taking a warm bath, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy.

6. Prepare for the Possibility of Judgment

It’s natural to feel anxious about being judged, especially if your family doesn’t understand your decision to leave religion. It’s important to remind yourself that their beliefs are theirs, and yours are yours. You don’t need to defend your choices or explain yourself to anyone unless you feel comfortable doing so.

If you find yourself in a situation where you’re being judged, it’s okay to say something like:

"I’m not here to discuss my beliefs right now, but I’m happy to be here with you all."
"I know this is hard for you, but I hope we can enjoy the holidays together without discussing my beliefs."

The holidays don’t have to be a time of anxiety or stress, even when your family is deeply involved in a faith you’ve moved away from. By setting clear boundaries, planning ahead, and caring for yourself, you can create a holiday experience that is both respectful to your family and protective of your emotional well-being.

Remember, you are worthy of peace, respect, and space. You can have a meaningful holiday season without sacrificing your needs. And most importantly, you don’t have to navigate it alone—reach out to others who understand what you’re going through and give yourself the permission to make choices that feel right for you.